


Land of Demons and Reckless Ceremonies (LODARK)

by musicalreader



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Demonstuck, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:26:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicalreader/pseuds/musicalreader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave, John, Rose, and Jade are four friends on the cusp of adulthood, enjoying their last summer before going off to college, when Rose decides to invite everyone to her place for a month. There's just one catch... her friends have to help her put on a ceremony from one of her books of dark magic. </p><p>But hey, what could possibly go wrong when a few kids perform a ritual in a friends basement? There's no way anything will actually happen...</p><p>...Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Circles and Candles

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second Homestuck fic, and also my first one set in a truly Alternate Universe. I'll be posting chapters as they are finished, but please be kind, and leave a comment if you like something, don't like something, have a suggestion about writing style or grammar.
> 
> also, at the end of this chapter, there will be an image of the ritual circle and placement of items to help get a better image of things in case the writing was a bit confusing.

_**Chapter 1: Circles and Candles** _

 

“I trust that everyone is seated comfortably?” The blonde girl asked, looking around the small circle at her three friends, gathered in the basement of her family’s overly spacious estate.

“Be a bit more comfy if this weren’t your mom’s wine cellar Rose.” Dave replied from across the chalk circle, his ceremonial robe left open and hood down, completely ruining the image of what was supposed to be a darkly beautiful gathering of occult practitioners. “And can I get one of these things in a color other than black? It’s not really my style…” he continued complaining, waving an arm and fluttering the sleeve on the incorrectly worn garment, prompting his half-sister to roll her eyes as the twins giggled at the silliness suddenly pervading the atmosphere.

“For the last time Dave, you CAN have a different robe, but you MAY not wear it tonight. I have done my research thoroughly, and if this is to work, then we must all be wearing the correct outfit, and wearing it properly… Besides, we all know that if you were to have your way, we would most likely all be sitting cross legged on a rooftop at high noon wearing ridiculous looking pajamas and speaking the chants in poorly timed rhyme to one of your horrid remixes of ‘Friday’…”

“Heheheh… you have to admit though Rose, it would be a lot less weird if we did like, half of that.” John chimed in, covering his buck toothed grin with and trying not to laugh too hard. They were all friends after all…

“And besides, as much fun as the whole demon thing is, it does seem kind of silly…” Jade chimed in, looking around at the others. “I mean, yeah, it was cool to talk about with you when we were kids, but this is our last summer before going to college, do you think we should really be doing this?”

“As I recall, you spent a majority of your childhood exploring ancient temples and exhuming the remains of long dead mummies Jade. I fail to see the difference between your fascination with crumbling ruins and bodies, and my moderate amount of time and attention paid to the possibility of otherworldly forces…” Rose replied coolly, holding up a hand and silencing any further interruptions. “Besides, I told everyone before they came here to visit that this was the price you would all pay to stay for an entire month. Now, Strider, fix your robes and light the candles, John, give me the book, and Jade, make sure that everyone has their own scalpel on hand for the final part of the ceremony.”

Knowing that it would be a futile exercise to try and get out of the show at this point, the three others in the dark basement went about their assigned tasks. Let it never be said that the four kids weren’t the best kind of friends, always supporting each other regardless of weird obsessions. Within a couple short moments, the chalk and salt markings on the floor were illuminated by the dim fire of 16 candles, and Rose had begun reciting the spell. In the middle of the circle, a small offering of bread, a cup of wine, a silver coin, and an empty wooden bowl sat at the cardinal directions, ringed by an arrangement of runes and symbols carved into blocks of various kinds of wood. As the words of a dead language twisted through the air around the kids, Rose seemed to slip into a trance, her eyes closing but the words continuing to issue forth, her lips barely moving despite the complex arrangement of sounds and syllables. The other three stood in silence, their respective interests piqued by the atmosphere of the whole show.

As the chanting subsided to a murmur, Rose’s eyes snapped open and a window shattered behind her, the tinted glass falling to the ground and allowing undiluted moonlight to stream in, lighting up the circle and the four young adults around it. Despite the startling effect the broken window had on the other three, Rose hadn’t flinched at all, instead calmly setting the book down in front of her and reciting from memory as she uncapped the scalpel and pressed the blade to the palm of her hand, nodding to the others to do the same.

While the others were not nearly as calm about it, and in fact John would later defend the fact that the noise he made was absolutely not a pathetic whimper followed by a squeak as the blade bit into his palm, all four kids were soon holding out their hands over the edge of the circle, dripping bright red ichor onto the basement floor over their respective symbol and chanting their parts along with Rose. As the words picked up in tone and volume, the flames of the candles seemed to rise a bit higher and brighter, and it even seemed like the wind itself was picking up, blowing in from the window and swirling around them, but not making the candles waver even a little bit. By this point, even Dave’s usual icy demeanor was starting to crack, and just as he was about to try and stop the ceremony, the lights went out…

“The fuck?!” Dave swore, starting at the unexpected blackout. “Lalonde, this had better not be some kind of stupid prank… Egbert, did you do this?”

“N-no Dave! I wouldn’t even know where to begin for this one… Rose, is this supposed to happen?”

“Please allow me a moment to find a light…” Rose said calmly, searching the table behind her for the matches. “Is everyone alright though?”

“I’m fine.” Jade answered, sounding none the worse for wear despite the rather… interesting course of recent events. “But I’d also love it if you could maybe hurry up a little bit and find something to light the place up…”

“Everyone, please remain calm. I believe I have found the matches…” Rose said, striking the sulfurous head against the box, providing a dim light as she knelt down to relight one of the candles and looking around to examine everything. “Well… I must say, that was a bit…”

“Freaky? Weird as all shit? The perfect setup for a B list horror movie where the side characters get sliced up off screen for going into the woods for some post occult blood ritual nookie?” Dave supplied, raising a single eyebrow over the shades he wore, even in the almost completely pitch black basement.

“…I was going to go with anticlimactic, but if that is how you choose to express your unease Dave, then that is perfectly acceptable as well…” Rose responded, taking a breath. “I must confess, I too was a but put off by the sudden blackout, but other than that, it was at least an interesting trial up to that point, I believe.”

“Uhhh… guys… this is totally going to sound weird, but what happened to the stuff in the middle?” John asked, pointing to the circle and drawing everyone’s attention to the bare floor at the hub of the markings. Sure enough, the wooden sigils and the four offerings were gone.

“That… is an excellent question John…” Rose said, kneeling down and running the uncut hand over the floor where the offerings stood not even a minute ago.

As Rose stood up, looking around to see if the items had simply been moved for some reason, the moonlight once again spilled through the window, lighting up the circle and the four kids. As soon as the soft light spilled over the center of the circle, the candles sprang back to life, causing the four friends to all jump back in surprise, this time even prompting John and Dave to let out matching squeaks that would put most small children to shame. Rose watched in morbid fascination as the flames of the small candles sprang to nearly three feet in height, the colors flickering all colors of the rainbow and then some before settling on a black flame that somehow still illuminated the room like midday. From the flames, shapes began to emerge, the fire growing and shifting to form what looked like humanoid faces, features obscured or undefined as the flames stepped off of the candles and stood inside the circle, growing and taking on more definite shapes before suddenly going out again and casting the room in darkness… a darkness only pierced by 16 pairs of glowing eyes of various hues staring at the kids that were too scared to even breathe, let alone move…

“……Are one of you assholes going to turn on a fucking light in this shithole or do I need to beat some sense into you within the first fucking minute of this damned summoning?!” A hoarse voice barked from the all encompassing darkness, followed closely by a thud that sounded suspiciously like a body hitting the floor.

“… Great...And now someone’s gonna have to pick up the douchebag in the shades, he’s out cold.”

 

 

To Be Continued

 

 

[Ritual Circle](http://imgur.com/RxzE4Iv)


	2. Obligatory Expository Chapter 1 of 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this was supposed to be finished on Thursday, but it took me the better part of three days to figure out how i wanted this iteration of the characters to interact with each other and behave. Needless to say, what is left is a list of 16 characters that are almost nothing like their Alpha Timeline selves.  
> Please note that this is sort of an experimental bit of writing, and I am not sure how long it will last, but I will not stop posting until it has an ending in one way or another.
> 
> If you have any suggestions or notes about the story so far, please let me know, feedback is awesome! And if anyone reading is good at drawing, I could really use some help making some concept art for the characters :/

**_LODARK 2_ **

 

Dave’s eyes cracked open slowly, his head throbbing and the too-bright light of the ceiling fan doing absolutely nothing to help a bro out. Come to think of it, the lingering images of a nightmare could go suck a fat one too. And why did his brain think that the one and only Dave Strider would be at something as unironically lame as a cult gathering or some shit?

Bluh… this was why he hated going to sleep like a normal person.

“Ughhh… Okay, that seals it… no more shitty horror movies with Egderp before bed again… where the shit are my glasses?” He grumbled, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch he was lying on and covering his face with it as a last ditch effort at easing the headache pounding at his skull like one of John’s stupid joke hammers.

            After practically groping himself under the blanket in search of his trademark shades, or at least a backup pair, for the better part of too-fucking-long minutes, Dave found them perched on top of his head. He slid them back down over his eyes and slowly worked his way up to a sitting position.

“Goddamn… what did we do last night?” He muttered, looking around the living room, which was more trashed than he’d ever seen it, and scattered with clothes, food, and empty bottles of soda and booze. “Well… at least that kind of explains the headache…”

“Dave? Is that you? Are you up now?” Rose called from the kitchen, her voice sounding none the worse for wear. He supposed it was thanks to her that he had at least woken up with his pants… this time.

“Yeah Rose it’s me, just gimme a sec. Not feeling too good… How much did I drink last night?” He replied, stumbling his way towards the kitchen door and massaging his temples. A quick check of his phone at least told him that it was almost noon, and he had at least managed to avoid any drunk texts or calls. That was the last thing he needed to get chewed out about from his Bro.

“Well... about that, you didn’t really drink anything…” Rose answered, “Though, to call it an uneventful evening would perhaps be the understatement of the millennium.”

“Pft, not saying much. We’re just now getting to the 20 year mark for this one.” Dave shot back, finally reaching the door and entering the kitchen. “Hey Lalonde, you’re into that psycho babble stuff, any chance you could take a dig at something for me?”

Rose was seated at the countertop, sipping from a steaming cup of tea, a second and third cup sitting across from her. Weird… Dave could have sworn that John and Jade hated tea… whatever.

“And what, may I ask, brought this on?” Rose asked, quirking an eyebrow curiously at her blonde friend. “The last time you asked me to psychoanalyze any aspect of your life, was when you had recurring nightmares about your brother hiding his Smuppets in your closet on April Fool’s Day. I’m certainly not dissuade you from the notion of letting me pick at your brain… merely wondering as to the origin of your abnormal request.”

“Bluh. You talk too much Rose… I just had a weird ass dream is all… it was you, me, John, and Jade in some kind of basement thing chanting pig latin or some other confusing ass bullshit trying to invite one of those squids out of your books. Then, the next thing I know, there’s this angry ass looking-”

“Excuse me, Rose-mortal? I believe that I found the ‘food’ you mentioned, but are you sure that it is a wise decision to let myself and Karkat eat this Crunchy Captain?” a voice said from behind Dave, interrupting him and forcing him to turn around and see two-

“DEMONS!”

……Gods-fucking-damnit Strider… can’t even let the Narrator finish a statement… prick…

“Rose! There are fucking demons in your kitchen! Why are there demons in your fucking kitchen?!” Dave asked hysterically, panicking and grabbing the nearest weapon he could reach… a steel spatula…

“Dave, please calm down, these are our guests for the time being…” Rose said gently, walking over and placing a hand on Dave’s shoulder. “These two are indeed of the Demonic persuasion, but they are also not a threat to us since we brought them here. Now please, put the cooking implement down and take a breath.”

“Why should I?” Dave shot back, glaring at her over his shoulder, still trying to keep an eye on the two ashen figures standing and staring at him from the kitchen entrance.

“… Do we seriously need to go through the whole fucking spiel again just because this douche couldn’t hold his shit together when we arrived!?” The shorter of the two figures shouted, stepping closer and glaring daggers at Dave from blood red eyes before opening his mouth and continuing to rant at the blonde boy with that stupid gravelly voice. “Look here asswipe, you and your little friends summoned us here to this miserable plane of existence, so you’re stuck with us until we can figure out how you morons even fucking found that spell, and then use our superior intellect to figure out where the fuck the return spell is! Now sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up, the grown-ups are talking.”

“Karkat, be nice. It is, after all, your fault that he passed out in the first place. Besides, they can’t help it that a little scare causes their human cardiovascular system to stop working.” The taller demon said, chiding her companion and thwacking him on the back of the head for good measure.

“Wait… your name is seriously Karkat?” Dave asked, still on edge, but at least mildly distracted by the strange name. “What are you then, like, the devil of vehicular enabled felines?”

Rose snorted (in the most polite way possible of course), and nearly choked on her tea.

The two demons in the kitchen just blinked as Dave watched the joke go soaring clear over their heads, shooting off through the ceiling and off to the stars where it would set up a nice friendly orbit around Alpha Centauri for the next few billion years or so.

“…What?” The short one replied eloquently.

“Your name is Karkat, right?” Dave replied slowly, as if explaining something to a child.

“Of course my name is Karkat you douche. But what does that have to do with me being a… whatever the shit you just said?”

“……Rose, were you telling the truth that these things can’t hurt us since we called them up from wherever?”

“Yes Dave, unlike you, I was not merely conversing to enjoy the sound of my own voice. Why?”

“Because I am calling dibs right now on introducing pipsqueak there to the world of Strider humor.” He answered, lowering the spatula to his side and advancing on the short demon.

The taller demon cleared her throat to get everyone’s attention once more.

“While I am all in favor of my companion learning a little bit more about the mortal plane, as backwards as it may be,, I believe that formal introductions are still in order. Though they may be a bit difficult as most of our party have wandered off for now, and I believe that your ‘friends’ have likewise wandered off to keep an eye on most of them…” She said matter of factly, sitting down at the counter and sipping from one of the cups of tea. “Karkat take a seat please, and Dave, if you would please join us, I imagine it would be much more comfortable than standing up.”

After  glancing at Rose for silent confirmation that there was still no risk of being tricked for the time being, Dave sat down for what he would later describe as ‘ _the most surreal of tea parties_ ’ or ‘ _the meet and greet from hell_ ’, and sometimes as simply ‘ _tea and biscuits with Beelzebub_ ’.

 

===> ELSEWHERE

 

“And if you look to your left, you’ll see a tomb that Rose’s mom built for her dead cat!” John called out excitedly, gesturing to the concrete landmark and smiling at the netherworldly visitors who had been assigned to his impromptu tour group. “Now are there any questions about the house, or the grounds? Or anything really, I guess… I’m kind of new to the whole guided tour thing, haha…Uhhh… yes, you in the back”

            One of the ashen figures walked up, lanky arms hanging at his sides and long tangled hair running down to the middle of his back.

“Yeah human-bro. Can you point a mother fucker towards something that ain’t gonna bore them right back to the fucking torture pits? Cuz if this 'tour' shit keeps on for much longer, then I might just see if there’s a message in the winds calling for your head on a spike…” The Demon said, voice croaked groggily, his eyes burning a deep, intense purple, and the seemingly permanent smile on his face sending chills up John’s spine.

“Ummm… Well… We could go check out some of Rose’s movie collection I guess…” he replied hesitantly, suddenly wishing that Jade had come with him.

Another of the seven figures stepped forward, glaring at the first Demon and frowning before shifting her gaze to John.

“Don’t get too worked up human. Gamzee can’t do anything to you as long as no one else binds him.” The shorter one says, grabbing a rod hanging at her side and causing a tongue of fire to snake its way out like a whip, causing her blue-green eyes to dance and flicker with the red of the fire, “And if he tries to break the laws of The Circle, then I get to flay him to shreds…”

John gulped, the bloodlust in the air starting to get to him as he noticed that the other four in the group seemed to be getting a bit anxious, with at least two cracking wide grins at the prospect of imminent violence…

“No, it’s perfectly alright… Uh… what are your names again?” He said, stepping between the taller one with the freaky grin and the one with the lava whip. “Just, everyone calm down please?”

Lava-Whip lowered her weapon slowly, still glaring at the one called Gamzee, while John could feel Gamzee’s eyes on his back…

“Fine. I suppose we never did do introductions when we showed up. I’m Terezi. The grinning pillar of insanity behind you is Gamzee, and these four are Equius, Eridan, Tavros, and Dirk.” Terezi explained, pointing at the other Demons in turn.

“Okay, well, those are a little weird for names by human standards, but I suppose they must be normal for you guys, right? Ummm… can I ask another question?”

Terezi nodded, “Of course you can; you’d know that if you understood the seal you used, or the ceremony you humans used to pull us from our homes, but whatever.”

“Well… No one’s really talked that much since you all came here… why?” John asked, ignoring the obvious questions like ‘Why are you all grey?’, ‘What’s with the clothes?’, ‘Why aren’t you eating my friend and me for dinner?’, and several others.

Terezi blinked for a second or two, looking back at her fellow Demons and then back to the weak looking human before laughing openly and with a bit too much teeth showing for comfort…

“Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but I think Equius is being quiet because you haven’t granted him permission yet, which is probably a smart choice in my opinion. Dirk’s always quiet unless he’s hitting on you or trying get under your skin, and Tavros and Eridan probably just haven’t found anything to interest them yet. Trust me, it’s a pain in the ass to make them stop once they start…”

“Oh, well that’s… informative…” John said, still a bit confused, but thankful that they weren’t just staying quiet because they were planning how to cook him. “So… Are you like, their spokesman?”

“Human, I don’t know what the fuck a ‘spokesman’ is, but I am perfectly happy to act as an emissary for the time being. Besides, I doubt any of these morons understand our position here besides myself, and probably Equius or Aradia.” Terezi replied, cackling and pacing around John.

“And… which one is Aradia?” John asks, starting to get a little unnerved by Terezi’s grin. “And, you can back up a bit, you know?”

“Oh silly, silly human… You all are the ones that called us to this disgustingly boring plane, so you technically have the power to order us around. But if you just give out suggestions, then it’ll come back to _bite_ you in the end…” She replied, leaning in close and snapping her teeth within an inch of John’s nose, causing him to trip backwards on a root and fall ass first to the grass below.

“Hey! Stop that!” John yelled, frowning up at the decidedly not-nice Demon. “How’s that for an order? I order you to stop trying to scare me like that.”

Terezi cackled, the others watching with rapt attention now. “Oh? Then how DO you want me to scare you human? Maybe I should have one of us crawl into your dreams and slowly eat away at your sanity with nightmares until you release us? Or maybe I’ll just start leaving knives in your bed at night until you bleed out? There are a LOT of torments I can put you through if you get on my bad side… Fortunately, you’re not there yet, so why don’t we just all be friends?”

John’s face went from tan to pale, then from pale to the color of liquid paper as he sat there, looking up at the girl standing over him, her weapon still in hand and scaring him just by its existence so close to his body.

“Y-You’re crazy too, aren’t you?” John said, getting to his feet, looking around and seeing for the first time that the others were smiling in one form or another now as well… fuck that was a lot of sharp teeth for one group… He looked warily at the threatening female, wondering if he could make a run for it back to Rose. She’d probably know what to do more than anyone else…

“Human, you’re going to learn very quickly that we’re all insane in one form or another…” She said, her expression changing swiftly from an evil grin, to a deadly serious mask of professional opinion. “And you’re one of four mortals that are holding the reins for all of us… think you can handle it?”

John stared up at her, took a deep breath of air, and muttered to himself.

"... Shit..." 


	3. Obligatory Expository Chapter 2 of 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued exposition, and group consensus on just what the fuck to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's now a visual guide for the Troll Demons at the end of the chapter! :D  
> The original image was found and belongs to Ticcy of Deviantart, i just did my best to recolor and edit certain things about the character models.  
> Please note that the colors DO have a meaning, and a cookie to anyone who can guess what each color means. Just as a freebie , Black, White, and Grey are simply accent colors and have no meaning.

 LODARK 3

 

“QUIT FIGHTING BACK TEHRE!” Jade yelled, stomping her foot into the log she was currently standing on hard enough to make some of the bark break off with a loud crack.

As the Demons disentangled themselves from one another, the young woman let out a sigh and massaged the bridge of her nose, sitting down on the log. This was the third time that her group had acted up in the last hour, and though she was glad that she had saved her twin the trouble of dealing with this kind of headache, she was starting to think that she’d bitten off more than she could chew… Still, Rose had been fairly adamant that if anyone was up to the task, it was her…

“Sorry about them.” One of the Demons said, smiling kindly at the frustrated teenager. “I’d offer to help a bit more actively, but there’s only so much that one can do between those two when they get worked up.”

“Any tips then?” Jade asked, grumbling and shifting her glare to the two Demons being restrained by their companions. “Like, why they were going at it again after I told you all at the beginning to keep things civil? And which one are you again? Sorry, there were too many names for me to keep straight the first time around…”

“Well, you can call me Feferi, and for at least one of them, this is civil. Our home is not exactly a quiet one like this, so it might be that they are on edge… Then again, this may just be an ongoing issue with them. I was never good at keeping up with the drama amongst the lower tiers.” The smiling Demon said, sitting beside Jade and watching the group members talking amongst themselves.

“Heh… I can imagine hell being a bit more violent easy enough. But this is still pissing me right the fuck off… If I have to put up with one more incident before we get through this tour, then I’ll find out just how much of those demon hunting techniques on TV are accurate.” Jade replied, chuckling darkly and taking a breath. “Seriously, John’s group must be almost done at this rate, and if I can’t keep up with my little brother, then what the heck am I supposed to do?”

“You know, you just have to give the order and they’ll listen.” Feferi advised, nudging Jade with her elbow. “We were called here by you and your friends, so that means that anything ordered has to be obeyed. Here, try it out with that one.”

Jade looked over at where Feferi was pointing, noticing one of the Demons who had just been fighting, now talking to two of the others.

“Well… It couldn’t hurt to try…” Jade muttered, standing up and marching over to the small trio, She may be many things, but intimidated was not one of them.

“Hey you! Fighty McAngrypants!” She shouted, gaining the attention of every being in the surrounding area. “I told you three times to stop fighting, now why didn’t you listen?”

“Because, human, that bitch keeps trying to fuck with my friend!” The female explained, clearly indignant and glaring at Jade, her hand resting on a black stick hanging at her side that Jade had already seen turn into a javelin sized trident once, and then into a spiked mace during this last scuffle.

“I don’t care! Use your words!” Jade shot back, reprimanding her but at least understanding the Demon’s thoughts behind the fight. “Now look, I’m not having this anymore so… I order you to get down and give me fifty.”

The irate Demon blinked at her in confusion for a second or two before laughing loudly in her face.

“You’re telling me to give you what?! What is that even supposed to mean?!” She howled, grabbing her sides and rolling around in the grass. “Oh geez! You humans are funny as shit!”

Jade growled, looking at Feferi, who was just shaking her head and crossing her arms.

“You have to be specific…” The sitting Demon explained, glancing between Jade and the still laughing Demon. “Tell her what you want fifty of… And use her name for good measure. She answers to Jaine.”

“Grrr… Quit laughing and give me fifty pushups right now Jaine!” Jade said, gritting her teeth and just waiting for this to blow up in her face too…

Oddly enough though, this time, the results were immediate. Jaine stopped laughing so quickly that it almost sounded like she was being choked, and immediately got on her hands and started doing pushups that would bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened Marine Drill Sergeant. Even though she didn’t keep track of the exact number, Jade was pretty sure that Jaine was finished when she collapsed to the ground, panting for breath and swearing incoherently under her breath.

“…So that’s how it works, huh?” She said, looking around the group, who suddenly looked much more on edge around the not-so-powerless human girl. “Hey Feferi… what’s everyone’s names again?” Jade asked, turning to the grinning Demon seated behind her.

“Let’s see… The one still catching her breath is Jaine, the two closest to you are Vriska and Sollux. Nepeta and Aradia are the two in the other group; and Roxy and Jaik are the two huddled together over there talking about who knows what… Was that any help, or do I need to go over them again?”

“No, I think I have it now… Vriska and Aradia, I order you to stand in front of me at attention.” Jade instructed, going back over to stand at the log, smirking as she watched the two Demons in question make their way to her, grimacing but following the orders to the letter so far.

“Now then… Since neither of you were actually fighting, but you both helped separate them, I order you both to explain what the heck that was all about.” Jade said coolly, keeping an eye out for any sudden moves towards her. She may be able to control these Demons with a phrase, but that didn’t mean she was safe by any stretch of the imagination.

“Weeeeeeeell, it started out as Nepeta picking on Jaik.” Vriska began, rolling her eyes and stretching her words out like a bratty teenager. “And since Jaine and Jaik are kind of fuck buddies, Jaine got defensive. Then when Nepeta kept pushing, Jaine decided to teach her a lesson that would stick.”

“That’s basically what happened, yes. This has been going on for quite a while since before we were all pulled into your world, so it’s nothing new really.” Aradia supplied, her voice a rather off putting monotone. “If it makes you feel any better, nothing you could have done before this point would have helped prevent it.”

“I see… Well then, looks like there’s only one way around this then…” Jade said, brow furrowing in thought. “You two may go about your business now, Nepeta and Jaine, I order you two to come here and stand at attention.”

With a sigh of relief, the first two relaxed and walked back to sit next to Sollux, talking quietly to themselves and glancing over as Nepeta and Jaine stomped their way over to Jade.

“Was the stupid pushup thing not humiliating enough for you?” Jaine asked angrily, arms at her side and feet together. Apparently the ‘Stand at attention’ order only went so far. “What do you want next? 20 lashes with a razor whip? No food for a month?”

“No, and ewww… This is an order for you both though; you are not to speak to each other without my permission, and Nepeta, you are also forbidden from talking to Jaik for the remainder of your time here. Do you both understand?”

Despite the death glares coming from them both, it was only an instant before they both nodded and made a small bow in recognition.

“Is that all?” Nepeta asked, her voice surprisingly light and happy. If it weren’t for the ‘I’m two seconds away from trying to slit your throat’ vibe coming off her, it might have even sounded cute.

“Yeah, that’s all. I just wanted to make sure there wouldn’t be any more interruptions from now on.” Jade said, smiling in the face of the irate Demon. “Now that that’s taken care of, we can finish up and head back. Dave should be awake by now anyway…”

The group continued walking around Rose’s property, with Jade introducing them to a few of the caves overlooking a lake that the kids enjoyed using when they decided to go camping, as well as a few other natural features of the wooded landscape. As they were making their way down an embankment to go and see a grotto behind a waterfall that she had discovered on her previous visit, Jade’s text alert went off, letting her know that the designated ‘Cool Kid’ was finally awake and freaking out about as much as expected.

“Oooohhh… what’s that?” Feferi asked, peeking over Jade’s shoulder. Of all the Demons in her group, she was perhaps the least stereotypically evil that Jade could tell. Then again, the others weren’t really talking to her… probably a bit scared that they’d say the wrong thing and she’d tell them to go jump off a cliff…

“That’s a cell phone!” Roxy suddenly shouted, bolting over to Jade’s other shoulder and looking on excitedly. “I know about those! Never seen one so tiny though… Is it like, really new? Or did you just get ripped off and that was all you could afford? Can you even make calls on that when the bottom doesn’t reach your mouth?”

There were a lot of things that Jade was prepared for with this group, but an impromptu grilling on the subject of her phone was not one of those things.

“Whoa, slow down there… Yes, it’s a cell phone. I _can_ make all the calls I like, and this is very new, since I’m the one that made it. Now, we’re going back to the house, and if you’re that interested in it, there’s more phones up there that you can both look at, okay?”

“Alright human, but don’t try and give me something cheap, I have standards, and I’m pretty good with technology too.” Roxy responded, crossing her arms and pouting slightly.

If Jade didn’t know any better, she’d swear that she was dealing with toddlers half the time today…

 

===> BE THE OTHER HUMANS

 

Rose sat on the couch in the living room, enjoying yet another cup of hot tea… She often felt that tea was one of the best ways to relax, second only to stabbing effigies of those she loathed repeatedly with knitting needles. In any case, she’d been drinking a LOT of tea in the past 12 hours or so, and she had no one to blame but herself. It was, after all, Rose who had convinced the others to partake in the ritual, and thus summoned their dozen plus unwanted houseguests…

“Now, once everyone is back, I believe it prudent if we each share the news with our respective groups, don’t you think?” She said, glancing at the green eyed Demon sitting across from her.

“Indeed, and afterwards, perhaps we could meet back as one large group and answer any questions that others might have. In the meantime, while we wait, I will avail myself to your food preparation area and see about making some… more suitable snacks… for myself and my companions.”

Rose raised an eyebrow at that statement. “And is there something wrong with the food that I have placed out already?”

“Oh no! Of course not… It is perfectly acceptable fare for a human. You do not, after all, know any better, and could not therefore be expected to have the sophisticated palate of a Demon.” Kanaya replied, smiling as if this were merely a comment on the weather, and not an insult to an entire species and their taste in food.

“Well, I must confess that I find this rather odd Kanaya.” Rose said, eyes narrowed slightly and calculating her plan of attack. “From our talks earlier, I’d taken you for a much more learned being. One with a wide variety of interests and tastes… Now I’m beginning to see that you are in fact little more than what we humans might call, a ‘homebody’…”

“And what exactly, is that?” Kanaya asked, staring at Rose coldly.

“It is a term for one who never leaves their comfort zone. A person who is too scared, or lazy, or perhaps just ignorant to the world of new experiences and places that are out there for them if they just take the energy to go and take it… I see now that you are perhaps a bit too introverted and afraid for our plan to do any good, so perhaps I shall amend it and trade you for someone a bit more outgoing… Karkat perhaps?”

“You will do no such thing!” Kanaya exclaimed, blushing and taking an aggressive step towards Rose’s seat. “I am as learned and open minded as the most respected Human AND Demon. I am NOT afraid of any food you humans might enjoy, I was merely trying to supply a more amicable option of nourishment for my companions who are less comfortable with new things… Now, upon further consideration, I believe that the snacks you have provided will suffice to please everyone’s palate. So, I will remain right here, and you will NOT trade me for one of the others, is that clear?”

Rose chuckled, covering her mouth and thinking briefly about employing one of John’s phrases like ‘psych’, or ‘gotcha’, before deciding against it.

“I doubt that such a simple challenge required that kind of reaction, but nevertheless, I will respect your intentions and keep you in my group… Now then, would you care for some crackers and spray cheese while we wait?” Rose said, smirking and offering the silver tray of various kinds of Ritz products and Aerosol canister of ‘cheese’ product to the offended looking Demon.

“I… I will abstain… I am not hungry…” Kanaya said, looking at the snacks again and wrinkling her nose.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, this is just pathetic to watch…” Karkat quipped from his own seat in the corner. He hadn’t been able to stop being confrontational, so Rose had ordered him into the time-out corner, complete with wizard dunce cap, until the others arrived. “Kanaya, if you don’t want the damn food, then say so! Quit being such a passive aggressive bitch!”

“Good luck getting THAT to change Karkat…” A voice said from the entrance, John’s group making their way through the front door with Terezi at the front, and John straggling behind, trying not to let it be too obvious that he was keeping his distance.

“Oh great, and now there’s this asshole!” Karkat complained loudly, rolling his eyes and gesturing at Terezi and company. “And you didn’t even have the fucking decency to maybe drop Gamzee in a hole before coming back? Some help you morons are. At least Tavros has the lowered expectations due to the fact that that he’s arguably the most abhorrent excuse for a Demon of Wrath to ever grace the Underworld. What kind of harebrained excuses do the rest of you have?”

“Karkat. Stop. Talking….” Kanaya said, her tone shifting to a small growl as she stared down the motor mouthed Demon until he was seated again in the corner. “Now… Where is Jade and her group? We can’t exactly start until everyone has arrived…”

“We’re here!” Jade’s voice called out, laughing, “Just got a bit sidetracked testing out a few things.”

            Seconds later, the young woman was practically skipping into the living room, followed closely by a single file line of Demons, two of which were walking on their hands…

“Jade… Not that I am an expert, but I do not believe it is normal for creatures to walk anywhere like that, regardless of what kind of world they come from…” Rose commented, eyebrow raised in surprise. “How long have they been like that?”

“Only for the last half mile or so… These two kept going at it, so I made sure that their hands were too busy to get used in a fight!”

As the different groups staked out claims to some of the seats and comfortable looking spots of carpet, the two Demons standing on wobbly hands and arms looked at Jade and growled angrily.

“Oh fine! But you two aren’t allowed to be on the same side of the room until I say so, got it?” She replied, glaring back at them as they each collapsed and crawled pathetically over to separate corners, glaring at the floor like they were trying to make it burst into flames.

“… Hey Harley? I know you’re used to training dogs, but how the fuck did you get them to do that without ripping your throat out?”

“It’s just like Kanaya said Dave, if you’d been listening. Because they were brought here by us, we are effectively their temporary caretakers. In exchange for the blood we gave the circle, they are obligated to follow any direct orders we give them up to giving their own lives for ours.” Rose explained, frowning at her brother. “Jade has apparently figured this out as well, and is making use of it to keep order. Well done Jade.”

“Thanks Rose! Although, I can’t say I figured it out on my own… The girl in the pink shirt, Feferi, Told me all about it.” Jade replied, giggling, “You should have seen what I made those two do the first time I gave them an order!”

“Wait, you mean they’re like, our servants now?!” John asked incredulously. “Because Terezi said that if I gave her an order, she’d find some kind of loophole and make me pay for it…”

“Oh John… You don’t need to worry about that.” Rose said, smiling and almost sounding protective. “I found a way around that one. That’s why we’re here as a group, and also why we’re going to be sharing the load as a group.”

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, looking completely lost, but at least a bit more reassured by the blonde girl.

“Just watch…” Dave said, nudging his best friend and breaking the huddle to cup his hands to his face before shouting. “ATTENTION ALL HELLSPAWN!”

Every head, Demon and human alike, turned to look at the shades wearing boy who had just jumped onto the coffee table and knocked off a mini-Merlin figurine in the process.

“Alright… Now that I’ve got your attention, here’s the deal. We brought your creepy grey asses here, so that means we’re in charge. Now, according to our sources, there’s already been some… issues… interacting with us humans. So we’re gonna make this easy to understand. Rose?”

“Yes Dave, now please remove yourself from the furniture before I jab a knitting needle in your calve… again…” Rose said stepping forward and pulling out a piece of paper with neat cursive written in pale purple ink. “As the leader of the Circle which has called you all forth from the Underworld and into the realm of the Mortals; I, Rose Lalonde, officially task each and every Demon here to abide by the following rules. You are not to cause harm to any human for so long as you are under the obligation of The Summoning. You are to obey our instructions until The Summoning is ended and you are returned to your plane of existence. You will also answer any question asked of you truthfully and completely. These are the points charged to each and every one of you, under penalty of the laws binding The Circle, The Summoning, and your homes in the Underworld.”

As Rose spoke, every ash grey member of the audience stood or sat at attention, eyes fixed firmly to Rose’s lips as they read from the paper, and the seals on their foreheads glowing softly. Once she was done speaking, Rose looked up to the transfixed stares of 16 creatures from another world, and more than a few unhappy grimaces as they nodded as one before relaxing again.

“So… Does this mean that they can’t hurt any of us now?” John asked, looking at the Demons cautiously.

“Yes John… It also means that they can’t hide anything from us.” Rose affirmed, nodding and smiling. “Anyone want to test it out?”

Jade’s hand shot up and waved about excitedly.

“…Anyone who hasn’t already made their charges walk on their hands for a half mile?”

Jade put her hand down, pouting. Dave nudging John towards the Demons with an elbow.

“Come on dude… Either do this, or they’ll think they can walk all over you later. Time for you to fly your nest baby bird.”

“Uhhh… Okay, I guess… Uhhh… You, with the blue shirt and glasses… What is your name?” John asked hesitantly, pointing at a rather tall and intimidating looking Demon.

“My name is Equius Zahak, Sigil level Enforcer in Service to the Wastelands of Pride.” The tall Demon spouted off quickly, whole frame clenching up as if at attention in a military parade until he was done speaking. Once he had finished, he relaxed again, though there wasn’t much difference from before.

“Oh wow… okay… So, Equius… Which of you do you consider to be the most dangerous?” John asked next, testing the Demon’s reaction a bit more.

Without hesitation, Equius’s body seemed to snap to attention yet again, his head turning and nodding at the short female in the pink shirt. “Without a doubt, that honor belongs to the only officially titled entity in the room. Feferi Peixes, Overseer for the Ring of Lust, and a fully trained and capable Succubus.”

Dave’s ears perked up, “Hold the phone tall-dark–and-creepy… Pinkie, you’re a Succubus?”

“Yes indeed!” Feferi replied cheerfully. “I was kind of hoping to keep that a secret though, but I suppose it had to come out sooner or later.”

“Succubus as in, seduce dudes, screw their brains out, and drain them dry of everything, AND their souls?” Dave continued, taking a step closer.

“Well, I don’t know about a lot of the others, we’re pretty rare… but yes! Human essence is very tasty, and a rare treat for a Succubus!”

“Holy shit… guys, do you know what this means?” Dave asked, turning around and staring at his friends with a look of absolute terror.

 

“……We’re gonna have to wear chastity belts…”

 

 

 

 

 

[LODARK Demons](http://imgur.com/eTL6B8B)   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introductions are finally over now for the most part, and next chapter will explore things on a more personal level with the characters (at least, that's the plan)


	4. Weird Pizza Toppings and Burgers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introductions are over for the most part, now let's see how our protagonists are going to handle 16 Demons. Do they have a plan? Is Dave going to get hurt for the poorly timed jokes? Why not find out?

LODARK 4

 

“Dave… remind me to introduce you to my knitting needles after this is over…” Rose said, trying gallantly to not smack herself in the face after her brother’s embarrassing outburst.

“I’m confused… what’s a chastity belt?” John asked, nudging Jade, receiving a noncommittal shrug in response.

“John, my man, a chastity belt is the only thing that will stand between the two of us and the Hellspawn-in-pink from sucking our lives out through our dicks like a straw.” Dave answered, taking a cautious step away from Rose just in case she got that murderous look in her eyes… again…

“Nobody is going to do anything with anyone!” Rose finally shouted, slamming her fist down on a side table and sending a small porcelain wizard child with a lightning scar tumbling to the ground and shattering loudly against the hard floor.

“Rose, please calm down a bit… Dave is not worth the effort, nor is he worth the knick-knacks…” Kanaya said, appearing beside the seated teen, placing her hand comfortingly on her shoulder. “If human males are half as moronic as the males in the Demon realm, then you will be an old withered husk by the time that he recognizes his actions as childish.”

“I thought it was kind of funny, even if it was really untrue.” Feferi interjected covering her mouth to hide her wide grin. “In any case, I’m guessing that you didn’t just want us back here to go over the formalities of a summoning, right?”

“Indeed not… Before my idiot of a half sibling interrupted, I was about to say that we will all be splitting up into groups. Teams, if you will…” Rose continued, returning her expression to its usual blank mask, “Since there are 16 of your kind, and 4 of ours, then I believe that a mixture of 4 Demons for each of us is a good way to share the responsibility of looking after you all until we figure out how to send you back.”

            As the blonde girl finished speaking, the various inhabitants in the room began muttering to themselves in small groups. There was even one in the back corner muttering to himself, complete with separate facial expressions for each ‘participant’ in his private discussion.

“Alright now, everyone be quiet!” Jade said, stamping her foot on the ground and causing the Demons to once again look to the kids as if they were on the stage of a popular play, or perhaps the main characters in a much beloved webcomic that were stuck in an exceptionally odd circumstance.

“Rose, I totally get where you’re coming from, but can we at least be smart about this?” John said, eyes glancing at a couple of the Demons in the audience fervently. “I’d really appreciate it if we could, you know, at least not get put with anyone we can’t handle…”

“What’s the matter Egbert? Afraid of a few visitors from a different plane of existence? I thought you were the guy at your school who made the bullies run for cover after that ‘hammer’ incident…”

“Dave, there’s a big difference between accidentally smacking some thug in the arm with a hammer in shop class, and worrying about laying down in a bed that a fire-whip carrying Demon filled with knives!” John protested, causing Terezi to crack a wide grin and start chuckling form her seat at the front of the group.

“Alright then, fine… We’ll split them all up by who can handle what, sound fair?” Dave conceded, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “Rose, you wanna pick first?”

“Well, I actually have Kanaya in my group already. She seemed quite adamant about being paired with the most intelligent human in the group, or at least the one of us that had the largest book collection.” Rose answered, pointing to the Demon hanging off the back of her chair and looking just as smug as could be.

“Well then, Harley, you had to deal with the most of them, you wanna go next?” Dave offered, looking at the resident wild child, who was practically bouncing in her seat with the choices in front of her.

“Yes! I want the angry one from earlier!” Jade answered excitedly, jumping up and grabbing Nepeta by the wrist and pulling her over to sit next to Jade’s seat, as if they were choosing soccer teams instead of volatile Demons.

Nepeta, to her credit, did NOT try and take off Jade’s head, instead opting to cross her arms and pout from her place on the floor beside Jade… She was, slightly proud at having been picked first. An ego is a wonderful thing to stroke for a Demon…

Dave looked at the Demons in front of him, considering them all for a few seconds before opening his mouth. “Which one of you is good at fighting?” He asked simply, several hands shooting up almost immediately. One of the hands belonged to the Demon who looked like a body builder and had answered John’s question earlier.

“What’s your name again?” Dave asked, standing right in front of the tall hellspawn.

“Equius Zahak, Sigil level Enforcer in Service to the Wastelands of-” he began, getting cut off by Dave’s hand waving in front of his face dismissively.

“Yeah yeah, I don’t need your whole title dude. You can fight, so you’re with me. I need a sparring partner or two until my Bro gets back from his own vacation.”

“Yes Sir…” Equius answered, following behind Dave as he walked back to his seat and standing next to him like a hired body guard.

“Your turn John.” Dave commented, nudging his friend, who was already scanning the group for any of the assembled ‘guests’ that didn’t look too dangerous.

“Ummm… I’m not really sure who to pick to be honest…” John admitted after a few minutes of silence, blushing slightly.

“Great! Now we have to all sit here like a bunch of fucking baby imps, waiting for the densest human I’ve ever run across to make up his mind! I swear, I’ll personally track down and kill the ass munching fucknut that wrote that summoning spell down where a bunch of halfwits could get their slimy hands on it!” Karkat exclaimed, face turning almost as red as the flames on his shirt as he ranted and fumed from his corner spot. “Seriously! It’s like they wanted us in this exact, unbearably stupid situation or something! I can see them now, cackling over a candlelit table as they scrawled out the instructions for how to bring Karkat from the infinitely preferable Plateaus of Rage, and sticking his magnificent ass in the hands of an idiot who probably needs instructions for how to wipe his own ass after defecating whatever colors of crayons he managed to ingest the day before!”

Complete silence reigned in the room, to the point that Jade dropped a pin she’d picked up earlier and everyone was able to hear it hit the ground.

Every eye was focused intensely on Karkat, with a few of the Demons even looking surprised by the vitriolic outburst. But if they were surprised by their colleague’s ranting, then there were no words for how surprised everyone was when John began laughing.

“HeheheheheeeeAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh my god, Dave! Did you hear that?! He… he said fucknut! HAAAA! Okay, that seals it, I’m taking that one with me guys. He’s too funny not to hang around with.” John exclaimed, wiping tears from his eyes and gasping for air as his sides started to physically ache from laughing so hard at the now flabbergasted Demon and company.

“Uhhh… you sure about that Egbert? I mean, yeah, it was kind of funny… but I’m pretty sure that he hates your guts… And I think he said you eat crayons…” Dave asked, elbowing his bucktoothed bro and raising an eyebrow questioningly.

“Oh come on Dave, he can’t hate me completely if he managed to come up with all those funny insults just for me… He’s kind of like a really grumpy kitten. And he’s like, one of the smallest out of all of them, I think even I could handle him if all he does is swear a bit.”

“Very well then John, just know that we are here to help if you need assistance.” Rose chimed in, smirking at the still [surprised looking Karkat](http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/016/3/7/so_karkalicious___karkat_x_reader_part_4_by_aliceinsteampunk-d5rqzom.jpg%20) , whose jaw was currently hanging down in a desperate attempt to acquaint itself with the floor, and Kanaya snickered quietly behind Rose’s chair.

“Anyway…… I guess it’s Rose’s turn again?” Jade said, trying to break the awkward atmosphere with all the subtlety of a brick through a window.

“Yes… I suppose it is… Kanaya, do you have any recommendations as to whom would be a good match for the two of us?”

“Well… I do not have much interaction with many others in the present group… but I have heard that the attitude of Dirk would not be an unwelcome addition to a group led by one such as yourself.” Kanaya suggested, indicating one of the Demons standing at the back of the group.

The Demon in question looked up at the mention of his name, walking over and standing next to Kanaya when Rose nodded and gestured for him to join them. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses that almost matched the symbol etched into his forehead, and glowed a fierce orange hue.

“So you are Dirk?” Rose asked, looking over her newest pick from their demonic companions.

“Yep.” He answered simply, neither snide nor friendly.

“And do you speak much? Or have I already done something to offend you beyond summoning you here and binding you?” She inquired further, leaning forward slightly and looking for any sign of danger that might need to be addressed sooner rather than later.

“Nope.”

“…Interesting… Your turn Jade.” Rose finally said, smirking and leaning back in her seat again.

And so the humans continued on, taking turns and picking one Demon at a time to add to their group. There were only a few instances where things got a bit dicey; for instance, Gamzee started to go into a rage that was diverted by Jade ordering him to ‘Sit the fuck down, and shut the fuck up’. Then Feferi decided that she wanted to be in Dave’s group, commenting ‘If you really want to play around with a chastity belt, then I’ve got that and a few other toys you might like to try out’. And the last notable incident was when Vriska decided that John’s interest in Karkat was interesting in and of itself, and made the decision for him that she would be in his group. But aside from those minor bumps, nothing too terrible happened, and they even found a few interesting things out about their temporary charges. Sollux and Roxy for instance, were the only two Demons who knew anything about computers, and they were both quite good at using them. Sollux was even able to use some kind of magic to ‘talk’ with the computer and make it work without even having to touch the keys. Aradia was able to teleport, and Vriska was able to hear the thoughts from others (Almost immediately after the kids were told this, she slugged Dave in the arm and told him to get his mind out of the gutter).

Soon though, everyone was assigned a group, and the grandfather clock chimed the hour.

“Well, as awesome as all this was folks, the Strider is getting hungry… Funny thing, you get knocked unconscious for almost a whole day, and dinner time can’t get here fast enough.” Dave commented, getting up and stretching before heading to the kitchen, Equius, Tavros, Terezi and Feferi following after him.

“I wonder when he’ll remember that he doesn’t know how to cook…” Rose commented dryly, looking at Jade and John, doing her best to ignore the odd looks from the Demons around them. “Would either of you two especially mind if I simply order pizza in tonight? I know I normally suggest something homemade, but then, this hasn’t been an especially normal day…”

“Takeout sounds good to me!” Jade replied happily, John nodding in agreement right beside her.

“Hey, we need food too, you know.” Vriska interjected, crossing her arms and frowning, “Or are you just going to let us starve?”

“Oh! No Vriska, we’re not going to do anything like that. Right guys?” John replied, laughing and scratching the back of his head embarrassedly. “I’m sure that we can all agree on something to eat. How’s pizza sound?”

“Like a cheap substitute for real food.” Karkat said, sneering, “Honestly, if you morons are intent on poisoning yourselves, then at least have the class and self-respect to do it quickly with something like Arsenic, or Gorgon’s Blood.”

“Shut up Karkat, I think Pizza sounds pretty good. Especially if it has Wasp Stingers on it.” Sollux chimed in.

“Whoa now, I really doubt the pizza will have… Wasp Stingers on it…” John said, chuckling like it was a really bad joke.

“Yeah! Why would you even put Wasp Stingers on a pizza?” Vriska asked, hands on her hips and standing right next to John. “If anything, you put Spider Legs on a good pizza.”

“Are you seriously brain dead? Or are you just an idiot?! Those are horrible pizza toppings! Everyone knows that the best kind of topping is Rat Liver!” Nepeta exclaimed, jumping up and getting nose to nose with Vriska, Karkat, and Sollux.

And so began a veritable war amongst the Demons as to which pizza topping was superior. Eventually Dave’s group came back from the kitchen, and soon every Demon in the room except for Equius, Feferi, and Jane were shouting over each other and calling out ingredients like ‘Horse Fly Wings’, ‘Snake Skin’, and ‘Squid Ink’.

As the fighting waged on, John eventually cleared his throat and asked the others “…… Do you guys want me to just go and get some burgers?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long pause, work picked up and this story was relegated to the few free minutes i had between coming home and falling asleep.  
> As a way to make up for it, here's a double posting :)


	5. Week One: Dreams and Drama Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week of living with the Demonic guests has passed, how is everyone holding up? Let's find out.

LODARK 5

 

tentacleTherapist (TT) opened memo on board OUT OF TOWN GUESTS

TT: Fondest greetings to you all.

TT: I shall make the introduction to this particular memo and its goal as painless as possible for those in our group who lack both the attention span and the intellect to comprehend long strings of words.

TT: Outside of the genre of ‘music’ known as rap that is…

TT: Not pointing fingers of course.

TT: Merely trying to be as helpful as possible.

turntechGodhead (TG) joined memo OUT OF TOWN GUESTS

TG: oh my god lalonde shut up

TG: jegus i knew you liked to talk and hear your own voice but this shit is getting downright r rated with how much youre stroking your own ego

gardenGnostic (GG) joined memo OUT OF TOWN GUESTS

GG: Heheheheh :D

GG: Seems like you’re bothered when someone else is talking smack besides you Dave :P

TG: rose?

TG: talking smack?

TT: I believe that was the inference Dave.

TG: no

TG: hell no

TG: lalonde cant talk shit to save her life

TG: if we were all on a crashing space ship and the password to get to the escape pods was to insult the ships computer

TG: then lalonde would probably end up as the fucking captain of the whole thing

GG: Captain?

GG: How?

TT: He means that I would go down with the ship.

TG: cuz shed go down with the-

TG: damnit rose

TG: quit interrupting

TG: my usually icy demeanor is starting to thaw out from the heat i keep getting from the pink bitch…

TT: Dave, I will thank you not to use such derisive language when describing one or more of our ‘guests’.

TT: Besides, Feferi is quite friendly, and extremely knowledgeable about a variety of obscure and intriguing fields.

GG: And she gets along great with me and Nepeta :)

TG: see now

TG: what im hearing from you both is that shes already worked her succubus magic on you both

TG: and youre already bumping uglies with her

TT: Yes Dave, you’ve figured out the horrible truth.

TT: I, Rose Lalonde, your half sister and staunch occultist, have fallen victim to the wiles of a demon who has turned me into her slave, as well as turned me in the more colloquial form.

GG: Yeah dave! We’re all in lesbians with Feferi >:)

GG: Do you see that?

GG: That is my evil-lesbian-demon-slave face.

TG: oh for fucks sake alright i get it

TG: and where the hell is egderp???

TT: Our mutual friend mentioned to me earlier that he was having trouble sleeping lately.

TT: Therefore, I assume he is trying to take a nap.

GG: Probably. And don’t worry about his group dave, i’m heading back to the house to check in on him and rose.

TT: While I appreciate the gesture, I am more than capable of taking care of John, our visitors, and myself.

TG: yeah lalonde

TG: thats great and all

TG: but forgive me for wanting to make absolutely sure that my best bro isnt in mortal danger because youre busy keeping the lesbian one from getting under your skirt

TT: Ah yes Dave, another excellent attempt at clouding your own latent homoromantic emotions for our esteemed Mr. Egbert with the reminder that one of our guests has been spending an inordinate amount of time with me.

TT: Truly, yours is the greatest mind of our day, and as such, I should bow in deference to your bountiful insights into interspecies and interdimensional nonexistent love affairs.

GG: Wow Dave… seems like you really pissed her off now… D:

TG: dont care Harley

TG: ive said it once, ill say it a thousand fucking times

TG: i dont trust these demons

TG: … and fuck you rose im not gay either!

TT: Well, be that as it may, there is still no reason to panic.

TT: We’re all in the proverbial boat together with this one, so it’s not like any of us are on our own with this mess.

GG: Well, i just got back, so i’ll check on john if rose isn’t already there.

TT: I am right outside the door to his room as we speak, and all four of the Demons in his group are relaxing around the house and tinkering with their new ‘toys’.

TT: And by ‘toys’ I do of course mean the multiple computers that they seem to have gotten their hands on. All of which seem to be brand new and without any of the usual company logos.

TT: And I say ‘all’, but truthfully, Vriska is asleep right now on the couch, but it’s basically the same thing.

TG: jegusfuck

TG: just get your freudian butt kissing ass in there and double check they didnt kill him or something!

TT: Yes, yes, I heard you the first time…

TT: Asshole.

GG: O_O

 

===> Be Rose

 

You are currently standing outside of your close friend John’s room. He is arguably the closest thing you have to a ‘best friend’, even though it seems to be a rather one sided feeling. At one point, you may have even entertained the idea of asking him out, but that was several years ago… Still, there’s something rather titillating about the prospect of going into his room and seeing him asleep and vulnerable.

“… Alright… I am in control of my hormones… This is a necessary safety check, nothing more…” You mutter to yourself, reaching for the doorknob and turn it slowly. “It’s not like he’s in here doing anything vulgar.”

Waiting on the threshold for your vision to adjust to the darkened room, you begin to notice a few things about John’s room. First of which is the lack of any pranks waiting for intruders. The last time you’d heard, John still left at least a water filled bucket propped up to keep outsiders out, and wake him up if anyone decided to brave his doorway traps. The second thing you notice, is that John is currently lying unconscious and snoring on his back, wearing only a pair of boxers… and it seems like he’s having a VERY exciting dream if you remember your biology textbook correctly.

…You are perhaps a bit more surprised than you’d care to admit…

 

===> Inform the others

 

TT: …Well, I can say for certain that John is indeed asleep in his room, and quite the opposite of being in danger.

TG: alright… im still almost back to the house but at least now im not panicking

TT: I am quite pleased to hear that I was able to assuage your fears.

TT: Now if you would please hurry back, I will attempt to wake up John and we can finally begin having a meeting about any issues with our ‘guests’.

TG: freeloaders rose.

TG: theyre freeloaders plain and simple

GG: Aw come on dave :/ they can’t be freeloaders if we brought them here!

TT: Just get back here asap, the both of you.

tentacleTherapist left memo OUT OF TOWN GUESTS

 

===> Fast forward to the meeting

_Normally, any attempts at time travel, even if it’s just going forward faster than normal, is not allowed. But nothing really happens between now and then, so the writing staff will allow it. The art department voted against, but since there is no art in this chapter, they can go suck an egg._

 

“Now that we’re all here and awake, let me first just say that I recognize that our guests presence here has not been an entirely easy one for all of us, some more than others.” Rose said, standing from her seat at the card table in her bedroom. Since the Demons had occupied pretty much every space except the kid’s rooms, and hers was the only clean one, there was little other choice as to the venue of this serious discussion.

“Yeah, Rose, I don’t think you’re really doing justice to just how fucked up this whole situation is.” Dave said, frowning, “I went to bed last night like normal, and I woke up naked and spooning with Feferi.”

“Geez Dave… could have just told us you woke up spooning her, didn’t have to tell us you slept naked…” Jade commented, rolling her eyes and pretending to gag in disgust.

“Jade, I locked the door before bed, and I wear PJ’s… Can you see why that might ruffle my feathers a bit?!” he responded, glaring over his shades in a rare show of frustration.

“……Okay, I get that she’s friendly and everything, but that is _definitely_ crossing some lines…” Jade conceded, sinking a bit lower in her seat.

“Yes. Miss Feferi’s constant molestations of Dave aside though, there are other things going on as well. For example, there was a dead bear near the driveway yesterday morning, and at least two of them, Tavros and Gamzee, were covered in blood at breakfast that day…” Rose continued, looking around the table at her companions, all wearing a varying shade of green on their face.

“Gamzee scares the shit out of me…” John commented sleepily, his eyes half lidded. “I mean, when he’s calmed down and listening to music or something, he kind of just looks like a clown obsessed stoner, but the second he hears one of those ‘voices’ in the music, he flips his shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if he heard something on the radio that translated to ‘go beat the pulp out of a bear’…”

“I heard from Tavros that Gamzee was actually trying to hug it, and he tried to help get the two apart, but he ended up crushing its head by accident…” Dave said, “And that’s another thing! We can’t have them staying around here when they manage to kill shit even when they’re not trying! Seriously Rose, I know you have the answer in one of these books, so for the love of all things good and sanctified, figure out how to get rid of them already!”

“I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN!” Rose screamed, slamming her fists on the table and waking John up fully in the process. “Now… Dave… do me a huge favor, and quit complaining for a bit. We are here to assess the situation, not bitch and moan about every single thing that they do that bothers us… So, aside from the bear incident, does anyone have anything to report? Remember, we also need to figure out if any of them have some kind of magic we can use to send them back…”

“Well… my group doesn’t really seem to have any powers.” Jade said, trying to remember anything helpful. “I mean, Sollux can move things with his mind, but he’s normally too apathetic to do anything much. We all know about Gamzee… Oh! Nepeta doesn’t have any powers that I know of, but apparently Sollux and Eridan are a couple, and she’s been trying to mess with them recently, so we’ll need to watch out for any trouble from that.”

“Thank you Love-Doctor Harley. Anything else?” Dave asked sarcastically, earning not one, but two middle fingers from Jade in the process. “No? Alright then. Long story short, my group’s doing fine with the exception of the Succubus. No powers to report, but Terezi has that freaky fire whip thing that she uses to threaten the others when they bother her.”

“That’s not all I heard about Terezi, Dave.” John chimed in, leaning forward and grinning mischievously. “Jaik told me that she’s been getting angrier when she sees Feferi bothering you. Sounds like someone’s getting a bit jealous to me… Have you been seducing the poor Demon Strider?”

“Oh? Dave, I can understand being bothered by unwanted advances from Feferi, but is that irritation also because you have been trying to get a bit closer to a _different_ Demon?” Rose asked, grateful for the small distraction from their oppressively serious discussion.

“What?! Fuck no! I don’t want anything to do with these creeps! I just want them gone, and if the slightly less rapey one decided to get a crush on me, then I can’t say I blame her, but that shit just isn’t gonna fly with the D. Stri. Got it? Besides, what are you doing just casually talking to one of them Egbert? I thought they freaked you out more than they did me.”

John frowned at the remark, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms. “They’re not all bad Dave… You’re the one who chose all the really strong and scary ones. My group’s a bit more social anyway. Most of them like movies, so we watch a lot of those, and Jaine seems to mostly stick to the kitchen and bakes. As far as I know, none of mine have powers except for Vriska’s mind reading thing, and that’s not really an issue because none of us have things worth hiding.”

“Says you man…” Dave retorted, smirking, “We can’t all be an open book like the great John Egderp. And what do you mean most of them like movies? How did you even find that out?”

“Well, after they showed up, I had trouble getting to sleep, so I turned on the TV and National Treasure was on, and the next thing I knew, Karkat, Jaik, and Vriska were sitting on the floor beside me watching with me. After that, I just kept showing them movies from my laptop, and things have been pretty quiet since.”

“Except that you’re having trouble sleeping.” Rose pointed out, blushing slightly. “By the way John, as… healthy… as you seem to be, you should really wear some kind of clothing to sleep in, even if it’s just underwear… I went to get you up earlier and was treated to quite the eyeful through your sheet…”

Things got quiet for a few seconds, with most of the occupants at the table blushing embarrassedly and shifting in their seats.

“So… Anything from your group Rose?” Jade finally asked, breaking the silence.

“Not as such, no… Dirk and Roxy are easy enough to deal with. Dirk seems to tag along with Jaik most of the time, and Roxy has been entertaining herself with one of the computers that seem to have turned up recently.”

“That’s another thing. Where are they getting these computers from?” Dave asked, looking around.

“Oh, that’s an easy one!” Jade responded happily, “I got them those to keep them occupied.”

Around the table, three separate pairs of eyes blinked incredulously at the grinning girl with the black hair. Sometimes it was easy to forget that she was insanely rich and had an obsession with multiple computers being around her at any given time…

“… Anyway… As I was saying…” Rose interjected, trying to get them back on track. “The only one that I have any real interaction with is Kanaya, and while she’s an excellent studying partner and research assistant, there’s not much else about her other than her Demonic heritage to separate her from a normal human. And Aradia just kind of goes where she will and reads whatever’s lying around, or else goes outside and claims to be digging for dinosaur bones… I think she got the idea from one of the anthropology texts in the library.”

“Well that’s just great… So we’ve got nothing?” Dave said, exasperated and throwing his hands up in frustration.

“I wouldn’t say nothing. We know how to handle them, there’s been surprisingly little property damage or danger to life and limb… It’s almost like hosting some foreign exchange students that occasionally have violent outbursts and respond to commands like most well trained pets…” Rose suggested. “I believe that the proper course of action for the time being is to just make sure that they have things to keep them occupied and out of trouble for the time being.”

John yawned loudly, “That sounds like a plan for me… Now, if we’re done here, I’m gonna go finish up my nap…”

“Just remember what Rose said!” Jade teased, waving to her twin as he headed for the door. “Wear clothes in case we have to come in and get you up!”

“…… You seriously just walked in and ogled an eyeful of his morning wood?” Dave asked, turning to Rose.

“Oh shut up.” Rose responded, sticking her tongue out. “I think you’re just jealous that it wasn’t you who got to see him in his birthday suit.”

“Okay, talking time is over, I’m gonna make sure the Demons are still behaving.” Dave said, standing up and leaving, blushing but not denying anything. After all, only guilty people denied things…

 

===> Be Dave

 

            You are now Dave Strider, and you are in no mood for hearing all the passive aggressive bullshit from your friend Rose. It was her fault that you had to play baby sitter for a group of Demons, and while you had to admit that they’d given you some ideas for your webcomic, it was somehow even more stressful than living with your Bro and his smuppet traps… Tavros wasn’t too bad, though he was a bit on the lame side for a Demon supposedly able to rage hard enough to break a bear’s skull in pieces with a ‘gentle’ smack to the snout. Equius was weird as shit, but he also kind of acted like a personal butler, and was a decent sparring partner when he was feeling too pent up.

            Terezi had mostly stuck to herself as far as he could tell, though he would sometimes turn around and see the heels of her shoes zipping out of view. That just left Feferi… He hadn’t been kidding when he said she was freaking him the fuck out, and Rose brushing it off was starting to make him see red.

“I’ll bet if it was one of those monsters trying to get in HER pants while she slept, that she’d take it seriously…” he mumbled quietly, making his way downstairs to the living room alone and sitting on the couch.

            For once this week, the living room was almost completely empty. The only other living thing in there with him was Aradia, who kept glancing up from her book at him and… staring… But that was almost welcome behavior compared to the bullshit that usually happened with the others. With nothing else to do to blow off steam, Dave found himself pulling out his own computer and scrolling through a few thousand pages of shitty .JPG images and a few thousand more pages of slightly less shitty .JPG images. He’d been really happy with his amateur webcomic when it had started, but now he was starting to think that even if his writing was the work of a master, maybe his drawing skills were detracting from his work.

“… Maybe I should try just writing a script or something?” He mused out loud, closing down the computer and staring at the wall across from him intensely, running through the possibilities in his mind.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dave noticed a flash of orange and purple. Turning his head, he could just make out the sound of scurrying feet and every ‘suspicious’ detector in his head went off like a klaxon siren…

“Not on my watch…” he muttered, getting up from his seat and sneaking after the suspicious character. Not that they made it difficult. In fact, if he’d done this bad a job of sneaking around his Bro, he’d have gotten his ass handed to him just on principle.

Soon enough though, he finally had the suspicious character in sight, and what a surprise! It was one of the Demons. Specifically, it was Vriska and she was heading right to John’s room.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he wondered quietly to himself, watching her from the shadows as she stood outside his friend’s room, one hand on the doorknob and looking around suspiciously.

Just as Dave was getting ready to step out of the shadows and scare her off, Vriska did some kind of weird waving thing with her hand, the symbol on her forehead glowing as a copy of herself seemed to shimmer into existence and walked back the way they’d come. He was so surprised by the appearance of a duplicate, that Dave didn’t even see Vriska duck into John’s room, but he definitely heard the door click shut as it closed behind her.

“Sonuvabitch!” he swore quietly, dashing forward and throwing open the door just in time to see Vriska touching John’s head and… well… getting sucked in and leaving him standing there blinking dumbly in a quiet dark room with his unconscious friend.

“…… What the fuck?!” he finally cried out, running from the room as fast as possible. “ROOOOOOOSE!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's part 2 of that double posting i mentioned. Hope you're all enjoying this. Just so you know, i have like, three or four story-arc ideas i'm toying around with for this, but i want to just make sure that this is still fun to read. Any suggestions or comments about how things are going now that we've gotten through five chapters?


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